Struggle of a Broken Man

June 17th, 2024

My therapist suggested I start writing my thoughts down in a journal, saying it will supposedly help me understand and process my emotions, and I’ll get to know myself better as a result. I am sceptical, but what the hell, I’ll give it a shot! I have never kept a journal before, so I have no clue how to start… Uhm, hello, I guess. I’m me and I’m writing this to myself… Do I introduce myself now? To whom? I already know myself, and I highly doubt anyone else is ever going to read this, except my therapist maybe. I’m just rambling about nothing to a bunch of pages now, I can’t really think of anything interesting to say, so I’ll just end this entry here.

June 18th, 2024

Am I supposed to do this journaling thing daily, or what? My therapist simply told me to do it in whatever way feels right for me, but I haven’t figured that out yet. If I try to do it daily, I’ll just get annoyed and give up. On the other hand, if I wait too long, I’ll forget about it altogether. I should be able to figure it out eventually. Anyways, not much to talk about today. It’s a weekday so it’s the same old eat, work, sleep routine like usual. I will be hanging out with some friends later this week, so that’s something exciting to look forward to, I guess! I am happy to have my friends, they have been super supportive and understanding through this whole mess, I don’t really know where I would be without them. Look at me, rambling about random things again! I suppose this is par for the course when it comes to doing this whole journaling business? I don’t have anything else to write about, I’ll leave this entry where it’s at and head to bed.

June 23rd, 2024

Haven’t written anything for a couple of days, but it feels like it’s high time for another entry, so here goes! The weekend was fun, my friends and I had a fun time at the karaoke bar we went to. I think I drank a bit too much, though, because for the first time ever, my friends actually managed to convince me to try singing karaoke. Let’s just say, my mediocre singing voice paired with the effects of the alcohol in my system, made for a barely audible mess of a performance. One of my friends took a video and showed it to me the next morning. I was as red as a tomato from embarrassment, but looking back, I find it more amusing than something to be shy about! We all got a good chuckle out of it, so it is not too bad. That is everything of note, I believe. This journal is supposed to be about cataloguing my thoughts and all, but my mind isn’t filled with anything particularly exciting or interesting nowadays. I’ll keep trying to maintain this, but is there much of a point if it’s just me talking about the same stuff over and over? I will a have discussion about this with my therapist on my next appointment tomorrow, surely, she’ll be able to explain it to me better. I’m exhausted and will be needing my energy for work tomorrow, so I’ll stop writing for now.

June 24th, 2024

Brought up the topic I wrote about yesterday at today’s appointment. My therapist asked to see my journal. I showed it to her, and she seemed happy with what I’ve written so far. She told me that I am doing a good job with these entries, that doing this is another small but important step that will help with my healing process. Personally, I don’t really see any progress, but she knows more about this than I do, so I trust her. What happened today that I can talk about? Uhm, work was alright, I guess? Oh! It was my co-worker’s birthday today, we got to celebrate it on lunchtime. The cake he brought was surprisingly delicious! He baked it at home with the help of his wife, apparently. It is a nice change of pace from cheap pre-made crap my other co-workers bring to celebrate these occasions. Not like I am not guilty of doing the same thing, but listen, I am not able to cook even if my life depended on it. I’d much rather bring something mediocre than an inedible mess that could poison somebody! I am rambling again, damn. I was not expecting to enjoy journaling so much. My therapist is definitely onto something. I am feeling quite peckish honestly, could really use another slice of that cake, right about now! I have nothing else in mind that I want to write down, so I believe this is the end of today’s entry.

Well never mind, something really fucking weird just happened that I need to write about. While washing the dishes, I was absentmindedly staring at the view of the kitchen window. That’s when I saw… something. I can’t really describe what, because my mind has blocked out that part of my memory for some reason. I can only recall that I thought it looked like some sort of shadow, but much more… Tangible? I think that’s the word. Whatever it was, the brief glimpse I got of it was enough to make me stop what I was doing. My ears started to ring, my vision blurred. Then I remember hearing the dish I was washing falling into the sink and shattering into pieces. I regained some control of my senses, but I was still pretty shaken up, so I sat down to try to compose myself. I thankfully managed to do so quite quickly, but now I stand here bewildered. What the fuck was that? Why did I have such a strange reaction to merely glancing at it? Was it even real? I’m thinking I just had a panic attack, but I have never had one that’s felt as strange as this. I’m a little shaken and exhausted from that experience. Time to get some rest.

June 25th, 2024

When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember the events of last night, so I went back to my previous entry to refresh my memory. I can’t help but feel perplexed. Just what did I see that caused me to feel such a primal sense of panic? Why can I not remember anything? I can’t make heads or tails out of any of this! I would’ve thought it all to be a bad dream I wrote about or something, but the shards of the plate I broke yesterday that are in my trash can are irrefutable proof of the contrary. Oh whatever, I am just making mountains out of molehills, I freaked out over nothing, like usual! My mood has been soured, so I will end this entry and start getting ready for work now. Hopefully, the next time I write, it won’t be about something like this.

June 28th, 2024

Ever since that weird incident a couple of days ago, I haven’t been feeling like myself. I don’t think I’m depressed or anything; I just feel… off. Yeah, that’s the best way to describe it, off, like something just is not quite right. I cannot get the events of that night out of my head and cannot stop wondering about what the hell I saw. I have been trying to pretend that it is not a big deal, that it was just my mind playing tricks on me and I simply had a weird reaction to it. But I just can’t shake this sinking feeling that there’s more to it; something that I can’t quite put my finger on. I am going on with my life as I usually do, but the eerie undertone of oddness follows me everywhere. I have an appointment with my therapist soon, I will definitely be bringing this up to her. It’ll all be okay, I’m sure of it. Writing about this did make me feel a little better, so I guess there’s that. That’s all for now.

I am scared. I have a bad feeling that something terrible is going to happen. I am home, but I can’t help but feel like I am prey to a lurking predator, that’s ready to ambush me at any moment. I have checked and re-checked any possible hiding spots in my house, but there is nothing there. Of course there’s nothing there, what did I expect to find in the first place? I can feel my heartbeat racing. I will go to sleep early before I get any more worked up.

June 29th, 2024

I woke up feeling exhausted despite getting the proper amount of sleep. Why is this? Are my sleeping pills losing their effect? I hope not. I was supposed to hang out with my friends today, but I barely had the energy to get out of bed this morning, so I cancelled on them. I feel bad, but they were understanding thankfully. I have been feeling like a zombie, my head is pounding, and this damn feeling just won’t let up for Christ’s sake! I think this may be the depression making its return after all. Next appointment is in 2 days. I will be bringing this up to my therapist. She will know what to do.

July 1st, 2024

I did not write yesterday as it was more of the same, but I am happy to say that I got good news for today! I brought up my concerns to my therapist. We talked everything over and I feel relieved now. It was just a sudden panic attack, it caught me off guard so I overreacted to it. What I am feeling is just my mind processing it still. These feelings should go away soon, and I will feel better. I just need to be patient with it. I also mentioned to her that journaling has been surprisingly helpful for me, and I thanked her for encouraging me to try it out. My therapist smiled warmly at that, she said she was happy to be of help. She followed up by asking me if I wanted to show her what I’ve written thus far. I wanted to say yes, but something stopped me. A weird dread washed over me, that made me change my mind at the last second. That feeling, that dread, it still lingers over me. I just, didn’t want her to see my writings about what I saw outside my window that night. Now that I think about it, I avoided mentioning it at all, despite it being the cause of my panic attack in the first place. Why did I do that? Was it deliberate? Why am I so afraid of talking about it outside of this journal? I fear that the mere mention of its existence is going to make it worse, somehow. Worse in what way? I don’t understand. I am afraid.

I’m just being ridiculous again. I cannot believe that I am letting such a small thing get under my skin so much! I just need some rest, that’s all.

July 5th, 2024

I’ve been very busy this week. Work has been a handful, but it’s been keeping my mind busy. I think I needed that. I still feel the dread sometimes, but it’s been much more manageable to deal with thankfully. I have a full schedule on the weekend too. I will be visiting family and seeing my friends again. I will do my best to focus on having a good time.

July 7th, 2024

That was a lovely weekend! I feel great, like a totally different person. I’m refreshed and ready to take on work first thing in the morning! I don’t even really remember what I was so worked up about! I feel at peace. I am exhausted from so much socializing, so I’ll keep this entry nice and short.

July 16th, 2024

Been a while but I haven’t had much to talk about. Life has been fine. No weird occurrences, no bad dreams, no bad thoughts, just a smooth ride all around. It feels nice. Life’s good, I’m happy!

July 26th, 2024

I have been going out a lot lately and I’ve started getting burnt out from it. That’s okay though, it’ll pass, I just need to spend some time with myself to recharge! I purposely planned nothing for this weekend so I can have some nice quality me time. I don’t believe I’ll write about anything else today, but it certainly felt nice to do so after so long.

I was watching a movie when I started to hear a barely audible sound coming from somewhere outside. I can’t quite make out what it is, but the best comparison I can think of is a low growl mixed with some choking noises. Strange, but it’s probably my mind playing tricks on me again. It will go away soon.

The sound has been persisting for a while and it’s getting on my nerves. I’m dressing up to go check it out. I’ll update this entry if I find anything of note.

HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!!!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT WHAT THE FUCK!?

I am shaking like crazy, but I think this is as composed as I can be now. If I do not write about what happened, I will probably lose my god damn mind. I went out to investigate the noise, like I said I would. The thought crossed my mind of how strange it was that none of my neighbours went to check out the noise themselves. It had been going on for over an hour at that point, so surely someone else must’ve heard something, right? Right!? I looked around the apartment complex for the source of the sound. I started to think that maybe, it was a wounded animal crying for help or something, so I started to worry. After a lot of searching, in a very isolated corner of the apartment complex, I found it. I found the source. I found the source of that god awful sound. Oh dear God, what I found was no wounded animal. It was… It was… How can I even describe such a thing? It is the embodiment of fear, of pain, of everything that hurts and is bad in this world. Even thinking about it is making me want to vomit. I can’t breathe, I need a break.

My heart and stomach ache still, but I have managed to stabilize my breathing at least. I’ll do my best to describe what I saw. What I saw is definitely not of this world, it just doesn’t belong here. It’s a stretch to call it a ghost or a demon, it feels like something far crueller and more terrifying than that. It was like a shadow, but if it took a physical form. Its body was huge, its proportions nonsensical and it had eyes. So many eyes. On its hands, legs, body, it was covered in fucking eyes. Looking at them hurt. Trying to remember this thing hurts. Everything about this thing screams HURT, in every conceivable way possible. And the face? I cannot even begin describing the face. Even trying to piece it together in my head makes it feel like it’s swimming in a puddle of TV static. When I saw the thing, I froze. My whole body shut down as my brain was desperately trying to fight back for control again. I could only look at it as I realised where the noise was coming from. That noise, that sickly, disgusting noise was its fucking breathing. For whatever reason, of all the details, that one stood out to me the most. I felt stuck. I simply sat there frozen, for what felt like hours, listening to that thing breathing. It didn’t seem like it had noticed me somehow, but I just couldn’t get myself to move away from it. I struggled and I struggled, and I struggled, until finally, I managed to gain some control of my legs. I started to slowly back away from it. I was making some decent distance between us, but I wouldn’t be so lucky to escape so easily. I bumped into something and lost my balance. I hit my head on the floor and my vision went black for a moment. When I opened my eyes again, that thing had changed its position. All its eyes were looking straight at me now. I only remember fragments of what happened next. I screamed I think, then ran, ran like my damn life depended on it. I heard it chasing me, maybe, I don’t know. I hope not. Before I knew it, I was at my apartment. I ran inside and slammed the door shut, making sure all the locks were secured, then collapsed. My head hurts so much, I think there’s blood. I need another break.

I am shivering uncontrollably. This thing can’t be real, right? Surely not! It must be a figment of my fucked-up imagination, a beast from the depths of my subconsciousness that has come to torment me specifically! There’s no other explanation! No thing can exist and be that! Look like that! Breathe like that! Breathe…. Like…

I passed out. I don’t remember what I wanted to say. Everything hurts, I can’t even describe all the sensations I’m feeling right now. Is that thing staring at me from outside my bedroom’s balcony window? I need sleep.

July 27th, 2024

I woke up on the floor with a sharp pain on my head. I can feel a bump forming, but I don’t think it’s anything serious like a concussion. What even happened last night? I can only remember scattered fragments. I can feel my heartbeat elevating as I try to piece it all together. Whatever it was, it must’ve been one hell of an experience, because I have used up a lot more pages than I did with the previous entries. Should I read through it? This pain in my head makes it hard to think, read or write. I should give it a rest first.

After contemplating it a bit, I’ve decided not to look back on yesterday’s entry. It probably is just more of my ridiculous paranoid ramblings anyway. I’m going to take a painkiller for my head injury and move on with my day. I just need to calm down. Everything is alright.

July 28th, 2024

Everything is not fine. It is not fine in the fucking slightest!!! Last night that thing, the monster, has made my bedroom’s balcony its own personal residence! It went away after the sun came up, but now that it’s night again, it is fucking back! I have tried to think of anything to make it go away, but I have failed to come up with anything that doesn’t involve either opening that damn window, or calling the police, and I for shit sure don’t want to do either of those. I’ve resorted to always keeping that window locked and the curtains drawn. Even during the day, I just, I don’t trust it. What if it can somehow get in during the day, how can I be sure? My “solution”, if you can call it that, doesn’t seem to make the monster go away, but at least I don’t have to look at it. I keep trying to ignore it, but that horrid sound it makes… the “breathing” is always audible. No matter what I’ve tried to do to shut it out, I can never block out that ungodly sound. If that wasn’t horrible enough, I can feel every single one of its eyes always staring directly at me. It doesn’t matter where I’m at in this house I can always feel it staring. As if its gaze can pierce through the walls themselves. I don’t feel safe in my own home, most especially in my own bedroom. My hands are always shaky, my heartbeat is unsteady, my head feels fuzzy, it is taking a monumental amount of effort to focus on writing this. Am I going crazy?! Why is this happening to me?! Thank God I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. She must know a way out of this madness, right?

The sun set many hours ago. I have work tomorrow, but I can’t sleep. Even after taking my pills, I cannot fucking sleep. I can feel the monster gazing into my soul as it steadily breathes, like a hungry predator looking at its prey with glee, knowing it’ll be its next meal eventually. I’m so afraid.

I’m going to try sleeping on the couch. I can still feel the monster’s gaze here, but at least I can keep my distance from it. I’m so tired.

July 29th, 2024

I woke up in a cold sweat and a pounding headache. How many hours of sleep did I get? Three? Maybe four if I’m lucky. My God, how am I going to survive work today? I’m going to need all the coffee I can get.

I’m back home. I somehow made it through the day. My appointment came and went. I brought up the fact I’ve been feeling anxious and tired lately, but once again I avoided mentioning the source of those emotions. I am a coward. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she makes a mockery of it? Or worse, what if she deems that I’m crazy and I’m sent to ward!? My job, my reputation, my life would be over! No, no, no no no, I cannot risk it. I cannot bring it up, there’s too much at stake! I have made a lot of progress with myself; I cannot let some stupid imaginary monster get in the way of that. God that horrid sound, its fucking breathing is getting on my nerves again! I just want it to shut up, to go away! I want this to END!

I started screaming my lungs out at the monster, letting out all my hate and frustration towards it. I knew it was fruitless, I don’t think the damn thing can even hear me, but I didn’t care. I continued yelling at it until I heard a knock from the door. My heart stopped for a moment, but then I heard a familiar voice. It was my neighbour, he came to check up on me. I opened the door to let him in. He asked if I was okay. I didn’t realise how loud I was being or what I was saying. I felt so embarrassed, I apologized and made a stupid excuse to explain my actions away. He was concerned, but he bought my excuse. He offered to hang out for a bit, so we did. I still felt very shaken up and unsafe but having someone by my side made it easier to deal with. I was observing him closely during his stay, curious to see if he felt the monster’s presence too. Aside for his concern for me, however, he didn’t seem to detect that anything else was wrong. My heart sank, because I knew that the monster was my tormentor and mine alone. Time passed in a flash and before I knew it, my neighbour had to head back to his apartment. I wanted to ask him to stay a little longer, just a little bit, but that would be too selfish to ask for without a proper explanation. We said our goodbyes and he left. I feel a little relieved, I had something else to think about other than the monster outside my balcony window. I will go to sleep while I’m still feeling somewhat alright. Goodnight.

July 30th, 2024

I did a lot of thinking at work today and I think I am on my way to figuring something out. I realised that when I’m around people, the dreadful feeling of the monster’s presence gets weaker. Now that I think about it, the only place that thing seems to have any effect on me is when I am at home. Eureka, that’s it! I’ll just be at home less and around other people more! It was so simple all along, how did I not think of this earlier? I am laughing at myself now, I cannot believe how much I overcomplicate things when I get stressed out! The solution may not be foolproof, as I’ll always have to return home eventually, but I’ll just make sure that I am out and about as much as possible! Maybe the monster will get tired of waiting for me and go fuck off to bother someone else! This realisation has rejuvenated me! I will stop writing now and I shall seize the day to the best of my ability!

August 10th, 2024

My plan is working out better than I expected! I have been going out, being around people more than ever! It’s been keeping me productive, happy and more importantly, my mind distracted from that monster. I can feel its grip letting go of my heart. I don’t think I even feel afraid of it anymore. The nightmare must be close to over, at last!

August 14th, 2024

I feel overjoyed! The monster hasn’t showed up to bother me in a good while. I didn’t need to confront it, just getting away from it did the trick! I don’t believe I’ll be needing to write much here anymore. I haven’t felt the need to ever since that thing left me alone. I’ll be going out now.

August 22nd, 2024

Something feels… odd, again. That sinking feeling of dread has returned. I have this unshakeable urge that something really bad is going to happen. No, no it is not. I cannot let my emotions take hold of me again, I have made such good progress after all! There is nothing wrong. Nothing bad is going to happen. I will simply push against them, as hard as I can! I will not let them win. I cannot let them win. I will be meeting with my friends tomorrow. I need to keep my head straight.

I swear I can see its silhouette moving around in the dark corners of my bedroom. No, it can’t be. I am overreacting again, I need to rest and calm down. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

August 24th, 2024

Everything is not fine, it’s not fine at all. It’s back, it’s back, it’s fucking back! Fuck! I thought I made it leave, I thought the nightmare was over, but no! It’s not over, fuck, it’s not over. I saw it, this time it was staring at me from a dark corner of my closet. How did it get there, I don’t fucking know! When I saw it I screamed and then I slammed the closet door shut, guess that’s another place I’ll have to avoid like the damn plague now! I can hear it in there, breathing… fucking breathing like always. Thankfully I got the clothes I needed. I’m out.

The outside is no longer a true escape. Even when I’m away from the monster, I can still feel its presence. I can feel its hunger, its piercing stare burrowing deep into my soul. My friends could tell that something was wrong, they asked if I was okay. I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t tell them about the monster. They’d think I’m crazy. I am crazy. I can see it staring at me through a crack of my bedroom wall. I covered it up. It had no effect, but I don’t care. Even the illusion of some sort of barrier between us gives me some comfort. I’ll try to sleep now.

August 25th, 2024

I can see the monster in all sorts of places now. At the bottom of my kitchen sink, that empty shelf of my cupboard, the little cracks between the bathroom tiles, the shadows at the corners of my apartment. Everything I do to cover up or shine a light on those places only makes it appear somewhere else. I’m scared. I can’t escape. There is no escape.

The breathing, it is getting louder. It is to the point where I can make out every little detail about that growly, choked breath. My jaw hurts from how tightly my teeth are gritted together.

I can feel its grip tightening around my heart again. I just, I can’t do this man. It’s too much pressure and there is no escape. I feel like I am going to die, like the monster is going to swallow me whole with its jaws.

My next appointment is coming up. I need to bring up the monster. I need to. There must be a way out of this.

August 26th, 2024

I didn’t bring it up. I can’t bring it up. I can’t, I just can’t! My therapist seems to be concerned, she must have noticed how tired and stressed out I am. I vented to her about my frustrations. I talked to her about everything, everything but the monster. I kept dancing around it. I just can’t talk about it. I got close to bringing it up several times. Each time, I froze and changed the topic. I’m such a coward.

August 31st, 2024

Every day I wake up and feel a burning heat in my heart. I don’t wake up to the beautiful sounds of the outside world, but to the monster’s repulsive breathing. When I see the monster, this heat spreads from my heart to my shoulders, then my arms, then my head. I feel like I am drowning. There are new sounds now if you can believe that. It started off as whispers. Slowly, they morphed into distant chatter. Now it’s laughter. It all feels familiar somehow, but I just don’t understand how. I just want out of this hell. Nothing I do blocks the noises out, nothing can distract me from them for long, nothing. When I go out, I’m free of the noises, but I can always feel it watching. I can feel its desire. It wants me to break, to give up, so I let it crawl inside of my body and mind and watch helplessly as it inflicts unimaginable pain onto me. I can’t let it win. I can’t. I need help. I NEED help.

September 4th, 2024

I once again forced myself to crawl my way to work today. I got informed by a co-worker that my boss wanted to have a talk with me. Normally that’d be a cause for concern, but I am so emotionally exhausted I simply didn’t care. I went to his office and talked about my lacking performance at work lately. I was ready to be scolded but he instead asked me if I’m doing alright. Are the effects of my torment that visible to outsiders now? I am so fucked. I wasn’t honest with him. What was I supposed to say? That every microsecond of my existence is spent in agony, caused by a never-ending nightmare that haunts my apartment? No. No I couldn’t tell him about any of that. Instead, I told him that I was having trouble sleeping and it stressed me out. It’s not a lie, technically, but it’s far from the full truth. The excuse I made didn’t seem to work as well this time, as the look of concern only grew more visible on my boss’s face. He told me to take the rest of the week off, to relax and catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing. I wanted to laugh, how ironic! This is no time off; it might as well be a free one-way ticket straight to my own personal hell. I couldn’t tell my boss that of course, that would be unkind without a proper explanation, one which I could not offer him. I simply accepted the offer and headed back home. I hope at least someone will be available to hang out with this week.

All my friends are busy. All of them, for the entire week! What are the odds? What are the fucking odds?! Everyone has abandoned me… They’ve left me to rot! I’m all alone now.

No, I won’t just sit here and suffer! I’ll just leave and find every excuse to not come back! I’ll rent a hotel, or hell, I’ll sleep on the fucking streets if I have to! Anything is better than being stuck inside this damn house with that thing! I’m leaving now.

I can’t leave. I can’t leave, oh dear God I CAN’T FUCKING LEAVE!

When I opened the door, the monster it, was right in front of me! It was blocking the way out, it was blocking the fucking way out! WHY CAN IT JUST DO THAT NOW? FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!! WHAT DO I DO!?

I can’t do this anymore. I’m being pushed to the edge. The noises of the monster are a constant. I have resorted to huddling under some blankets on my bed, seeking whatever small sense of protection they can provide. My anxiety feels worse than ever. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts! I feel hot, I am drenched in sweat. I can’t get myself to move. I have been crying nonstop for what feels like hours. The ringing in my ears is deafening. I have been trying to calm down for hours, but nothing works. Nothing fucking works! I am at my breaki-

My hand is so shaky that I almost broke the mechanical pencil I’m using to write this. Thank God I didn’t, else I would have no way to express the hell I’m going through. My lungs hurt from hyperventilating so much. I’m lightheaded. I feel like I’m gonna pass ou-

September 5th, 2024

I passed out. It’s way past midnight, I think. I’m not feeling any better. I don’t know how much longer I can stay like this.

I shouldn’t have peeked, oh dear God I shouldn’t have peeked! I saw it crawling on the fucking ceiling, like a godforsaken spider! I can feel its glare. I can feel its glee as it knows that I am about to break. It knows that my strength to fight it back is dwindling. I feel like an injured animal that’s been cornered by a powerful predator, fully aware that there is nothing it can do to prevent its inevitable attack. I want to run, but I can’t run. There is nowhere to go. I can’t let it win, but I am too tired of fighting. I’m so tired of feeling afraid. I’m so tired of being in pain. I’m just too tired.

I give up. I am letting it win. It can have its way with me. I give up.

It tore the blanket away from my bed. I can see it clearly now.

It’s opening its gaping maw. It’s going to swallow me whole.

I can feel its teeth puncturing deep into my broken soul.

I can’t breathe.

I can only see it now.

I’m in so much pain.

PAIN IS ALL I FEEL, I’M DROWNING, PLEASE HELP ME!

IJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOPIJUSTWANTTHEPAINTOSTOP!!! MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!!!

That thing has her face. It has her fucking face.

I am sorry. I am so sorry I failed you. Please forgive me, my love.

I’m sorry.

September 7th, I think? I don’t care anymore.

The monster is within me now. It hurts. It hurts so much.

The monster is all I can feel. It’s all I can hear. It’s all I can think about. There is no longer any hope of escaping it.

Date Unknown

The agony I feel is indescribable. I haven’t been able to move in what feels like days. I feel drained of all emotion. The only thing I can feel is pain. So much pain.

Date Unknown

All those lost memories have resurfaced. I can remember everything now. It hurts, it hurts so much.

Date Unknown

I first met her 7 years ago. We shared the same class, but we were both shy, so we didn’t talk to each other for a while. One day, I heard a meek hello coming from behind me, it was her. I said hello back and we immediately clicked. We became fast friends and then so much more. I loved her more than anyone, more than anything. Every day I woke up, feeling like the luckiest person in the world to have her by my side. We did everything together. We went out together, laughed together, cried together, mourned together, felt pain together. Whatever issues we both had, we knew that we at least had each other to rely on.

She dealt with a lot of shit, you know? Life was so cruel to her, so cruel to such a good person. All I wanted to do was to help. All I wanted was to help her get better. I’ll admit, it was hard sometimes. To help her out, I made a lot of sacrifices. But they didn’t feel like sacrifices. It was all worth it to me, if I could help just that little bit, it was worth it to me. There were a lot of cold, sleepless nights. A lot of days filled with anxiety and uncertainty. A lot of regret. It was hard, but despite it all, we got through it together. We loved each other, we had a special bond that you can only encounter once in a lifetime. I loved her so much, with every inch of my being, every fibre of my heart. I resolved to be there no matter what. To not give up. To hold on. She told me that my determination was one of the main reasons that she kept going, I wonder if she was honest about that now….

Things were getting better, bit by bit. I swear, I swear they were, I swear I could see change! I wasn’t lying to myself, was I? Thinking about that night, the night where it happened, I can feel it tearing me apart all over again. It was just so sudden. I couldn’t even process what even happened at first. I remember it being a day like any other. I left the apartment for a bit to retrieve something I forgot in my car and when I came back… She was gone. I looked everywhere for her, but the only thing that was amiss is that the balcony window was open. I didn’t want to let myself believe it, but I knew what that meant. I panicked, I remember calling the emergency services immediately, as I rushed down the stairs to find her. I thought that our apartment wasn’t on a floor high enough to kill her, so I hoped beyond hope that maybe, just maybe, that she would be okay. I was wrong; so, so wrong. I remember there being blood, too much blood. I cried profusely as I watched her body twitch. I remember that she tried to say something to me, but only a low growl mixed with some choking came out. When the ambulance arrived, it was too late. The paramedics rushed to her side, but they quickly determined that she was beyond help. The injuries were too severe and she had lost too much blood. She was pronounced dead shortly after. That moment is when I felt a piece of me die too.

Something inside me broke that day. I don’t think I can describe what that feels like. It’s pain that simply cannot be understood by someone if they haven’t experience it before. My dreams, my hopes, my sense of direction, the understanding of the world around me. It was all shattered into a million pieces. I mourned, I cried every day for months. I vented to my friends and family about it. All of them were there to help and were so supportive. I appreciated everything they were doing for me, I really did. But I don’t think anybody could truly understand the pain I was going through.

Nothing has been able to mend the growing void in my heart. Nothing has ever felt right since, nothing! I pretended that I could start functioning like a human being again. I pretended to get back on my feet again. I pretended that I was strong, that I could go back to being my old self again. I pretended that I had left this chapter of my life behind me and moved on. I pretended that I was fine now. But that’s all I was doing. Pretending. I pretended so I could keep myself sane, so I could keep myself going, so I didn’t have to process the fact that the most precious person in my life was gone and there was nothing I could do to get her back.

The pain is still there. I feel it every day, in every moment of my waking life. When I was asleep, all I could dream about was her. All I could dream about was the life that we wanted to live together. A life we never got to have. Every day I woke up in tears, realizing that it was just that, a dream. I didn’t want to sleep anymore. That’s why I had to start taking those pills, so I could stop dreaming, so I could sleep, so I could forget. Everything reminds me of her, because she was everything to me. Everything. I tried to move on, to repress the memories, to keep it all inside. But I can’t anymore. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t keep lying to others that I am fine. I can’t keep lying to myself that I am fine. I can’t keep existing with the knowledge that the most precious person in my life is gone… I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t…

The monster that is now inside of me, I remember now. My darling, she would talk about it often. How it haunted her and would stalk her every moment. How its presence made her always feel unsafe. How it would torment and toy with her until she was pushed to her limits. I never thought there was a real monster. I thought it was some sort of metaphor, some sort of mechanism she used to cope with her traumatic past. I have a memory of a night where she was very anxious about it. To cheer her up, I searched around the house to show her there was no monster. It was a silly thing I did on the spot, but she found funny. It made her laugh, and I laughed along with her. I remember her laugh. It was like a sweet little melody every time I heard it. God, I miss her… I miss my little soulmate. My beautiful little sweetheart. I believe you now darling, the monster is real. It took you and now it has come to take me too. If only I had been there for you when it struck. You were all alone, with nobody to protect you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me my love…. Please…

Everything has stopped; the noises, the thoughts, the sensations, they’ve all stopped. It feels as if a crushing weight has been lifted from my heart. Yet instead of relief, a deep sense of foreboding has taken its place. I feel like something bad is about to happen, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I’m too tired to care. I’m too tired to fight. I will just let it flow through me. Whatever happens, happens.

Date Unknown

I woke up to a cold rush of air from the balcony window. It was unlocked, somehow. I know that I wasn’t the one who unlocked it, but I don’t care, it’s open now. The air feels so nice on my skin.

I feel an uneasy peace as I stare out that window. I think something wants me to go there.

A dark thought is slowly creeping its way into the back of my mind.

The scenery is changing. It is the dead of night, but I can see a light. A warm light. It’s inviting. It makes me feel safe.

I can hear a voice. It’s hard to discern, but it is sounds… familiar.

It is my soulmate, she’s calling out to me! Her beautiful voice, I thought I’d never hear it again. I’m so happy.

The scenery is slowly changing. I can see and hear more things now. There are birds chirping. The fresh scent of flowers after a spring rain slowly wafts its way into my room. I can see a little house, surrounded by a field of colourful flowers. It’s just like the one we dreamed of owning together one day. I can hear the barking of a small dog. I’ve always wanted a dog. A little white fluffy dog. I wanted to name him Fluffy. My darling found that so endearing. She really loved dogs too. Oh, my darling…

Is this what the monster wants? Is this its endgame with me? Am I finally going to fall victim to it? No, I must resist. I must resist. I must.

I got out of bed. I’m slowly walking towards the balcony. My worn-out mind is screaming at me to lay back down, to tough it out just a little bit longer, to keep believing that there must be another way forward. My brain’s efforts are futile. I know now that there is only one way forward; only one outcome for me. You can’t prevent an inevitable outcome, all you can do is stall it. I am tired of stalling.

I am close to the edge now. I can hear my soulmate calling out my name excitedly. The other side is beautiful, so beautiful.

If anyone ever reads this, know that we’re both in a better place now. Goodbye.